I think what I initially felt as confusion, was actually anger. The things I was confused about, like: why this, why now, why us?
I don’t think that anyone can really blame me for feeling angry about the situation. This is by far the most unfair situation I’ve been in, 18 years old and my 19 year old boyfriend was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma.
Anger is just another emotion. It’s just as valid as feeling sad or lost, and it is not something to be ashamed about. It is much healthier to acknowledge the anger and know it lives within you, than pretend you don’t feel it. The danger in ignoring its existence, is that you could let it spread across your whole being. Acknowledge the anger as part of you. Part of you, not all of you.
I’m angry at the world. The world chose us to go through this. The world chose Tom and his family, a family who have already been struck by too much sadness. Last night in bed, I was having a sad night, and I wrote this in my notes:
“I keep thinking that things aren’t meant to be like this. But the truth is that things were always going to be like this, we just didn’t know it”.
I believe in fate, that we all have a course we are to follow. The thing that confuses me most (I think anger often stems from confusion) is that I am always the friend that reminds you of the silver linings and helps you find the brightside. But there isn’t a silver lining here. There are little ‘goods’ that have come from this journey, but so far I cant see that any amount of ‘goods’ will ever be enough to make the overarching ‘bad’ seem worth it. I don’t want my views of the universe to seem juvenile, but I’m only 19 and it’s things like this that will shape my philosophies. I’m the kind of person that will study and wait for the universe to show me why this has happened. I will keep reading, writing, talking and thinking until I find all the lessons and the ‘goods’ I can.
I am angry at other people. I’m angry at couples that are allowed to live a normal happy life together. I’m angry at couples who argue over the smallest things. I’m angry at couples who wind each other up for fun. I’m angry at couples who don’t realise how lucky they are.
Like I said in an earlier post, I know I should feel grateful that what I’m going through is so rare. But I need to acknowledge this anger before I move to the next stage. However much I want to scream in peoples’ faces:
“you are so lucky”
“just forgive each other”
“I would do anything to be able to hold my boyfriend’s hand right now”
“JUST TELL HIM/HER THAT YOU LOVE THEM”
… that’s not the kind of acknowledgement I mean.
I’m living in lockdown with my mum, 2 sisters, and both of their boyfriends. I feel like it’s being rubbed in my face all the time that I’m so far away from Tom. And it would be different if I was far away, but he wasn’t ill. The reality is I might never see him again.
The kind of acknowledgement I mean, is that when I start to feel these feelings, I will take myself upstairs or shut out the sound of my sisters and their boyfriends. Sometimes hearing them giggle in bed is enough to set the first tear rolling.
I don’t expect the world to stop for me, but realistically my world has stopped turning. Other people can be excited about the future, can giggle carefree in bed. And I can too, for a few minutes, but then I remember what I am facing. It’s not that I feel guilt when I have fun, because Tom doesn’t want me to mope around, even he doesn’t do that. But highs make the lows even lower.
Evie