This chapter may feel a bit different because some of these things feel so recent to me as I write.

I mentioned earlier about how much I’ve learnt about cancer from this, and one of those is the extent of what the disease can affect. Noticeable things started to change, Tom now struggles to see, and his speech is very slurred. This is a result of the cancer, not the medication. Seeing Tom struggle to eat and struggle to speak is what really makes me realise how poorly he is. Obviously, he is the most frustrated by this, so the key is to just be patient. He likes to do as much as he can without help and I don’t blame him, this disease has already taken so much from him.

Things were, at this point, so different from before, that things started to take a toll on me. I got to the point where I struggled to go on nights out without getting upset or angry. I’d say that the anger really started to build in me at this point. Everyone seems to just carry on with their normal lives, but I always have this on my mind. People will ask me how I am but once they put the phone down, they won’t think about it for a while. I’m angry at people who get to live their lives without all the stress and worry. I know I should feel grateful that other people aren’t going through this, but I’m not there yet. I would say it’s jealousy, but I know that I would rather stay with Tom and go through this than back out. I never even thought about backing out when he got ill. It never crossed my mind and I have never looked back.

So things got pretty steadily worse and the cancer was still spreading at this point. They changed his treatment, taking him off immunotherapy and onto growth inhibitors. This really hit home that they were aiming to treat, not cure. The doctors are all really clear about this, but it’s like your worst nightmare is being realised. When he got diagnosed, you’d tell people and they’d give you all these positive success stories, but they meant nothing now.

This is a chapter not too far from what’s happening as I write this. I’m struggling to find much to say because it’s still these things that I struggle most with. Before any of this happened, I was a huge believer in everything happening for a reason. I still am but, truthfully, I’ve just not found the reason for this yet. And that’s okay, this is something that will probably impact me forever, and maybe at some point I’ll start to see silver linings, like me becoming stronger, appreciating my family even more etc. But for now I think I have enough to think about.

Evie