I believe that not only do the biggest events in our lives shape us, but the smallest ones too. Going through a major journey like this is bound to change your outlook and also your everyday life. Here are a few ways in which I can see I have changed (I expect to find more as my life goes on).
I have definitely come to appreciate opportunity in life even more. I applied for a study abroad placement and didn’t hold out any hope for being accepted – only 2 or 3 people from my uni course would get a place at each foreign uni. But, low and behold, I got offered a place at my first choice.
Before getting accepted, I thought that maybe I wouldn’t go even if I did get a place, I didn’t want to leave Tom. Now looking back I think I might have convinced myself of this so that I wasn’t disappointed if I got rejected. But I didn’t, I had my place and I accepted it. I accepted it because Tom didn’t want me to miss out; I accepted it because I wanted to; I accepted it because a new little life abroad could be exactly what I need. I don’t want to turn down my dreams, I don’t want to turn down memories.
You realise how precious life is. I’m more likely to regret not doing something, than regret doing it. Get the tattoo, apply for the job, buy the treat, get in touch with old friends, confess love, do what you want. Dream big and love yourself for it.
I’ve definitely become more caring and compassionate. Sorting Tom’s pillows, putting lip balm on him and trying to remember when he needs his pills. Not just with Tom, I’ve become more concerned about everyone around me, making sure they’re okay. This has also manifested as me crying at programmes like 24 Hours in A&E. Sometimes I’d cry at the odd old couple, but now I know the pain a lot of those families are experiencing, and it hurts. Tom was doing a chemistry degree before he had to drop out, he wanted to go into chemical engineering but spending all this time in hospital has amazed him. He told me that he’d love to be involved with it and help people who are ill.
There are a thousand different ways Tom has changed my life, but I’ll stick to what this journey has taught me. One thing I can’t not mention is Tom’s ability to carry on and see what is really important and to stick to who you are. You don’t have time to be anyone else.
It makes you realise how vital kindness is. There’s no time for nastiness, but I knew that already. If you love someone tell them, tell them over and over. Be open with your friends and write them love notes. Let people know how you feel- that you care.
Be sentimental. Keep things, take pictures of everything. Write letters, tell people you’re thinking about them.
People say I’ve become ‘stronger’ or that I am ‘strong’, I’m not really sure what that means. I haven’t chosen this situation; all I can do is choose how I respond. I haven’t done anything special; Tom is the strong one. If I wasn’t ‘strong’ I wouldn’t be able to cope, that’s the truth. Don’t get me wrong, I do cry, but if I was to dwell on how I feel, then I wouldn’t be able to carry on with the things I have to do.
People say things like “I don’t know how you do it”, but I have to ‘do it’, I don’t have a choice. There’s an important line between acknowledging your feelings and letting them consume you. If I cry it’s usually at night. Sometimes I need a cry, so I urge it out with a sad film or Angels by The XX: a song Tom and I both love that now has a whole new meaning to me.
The true showing of how I’ve adapted will come later. My life has changed vastly, but my approaches to new situations will hopefully show the new things I’ve learnt. For now I’m just trying to say yes to as much as possible.
Evie