Since Tom’s birthday and starting this series, I’ve had even more messages from his friends. Every day I get to see how loved my boyfriend is. It helps you remember what is important, what is truly necessary.

We aren’t given enough time to facilitate nastiness, or bitterness. By forgiving you open your heart for a new friend, by holding a grudge you waste space in your psyche. If you weigh yourself down with hate or even regret, it’s going to be harder to bounce back, and even harder to hit new heights.

I still have days when I’m angry, days when I don’t want to get out of bed and days when I really struggle. But I know now that that’s okay. I’ve been feeling a bit more myself though, and more in touch with the universe again. I’ve found new meanings to things, especially music. I go through major phases with music, but in the last week or so it’s really helped ground me and made me feel like me again.

Tom hasn’t had the best week or so when I’m writing this (23.05), but his sister helps him to message me when he’s got the energy. I have been really struggling with sleep. It’s not that I don’t sleep well, it’s more ‘bedtime’ that I struggle with. I get scared about going to bed because that’s when my mind goes wild. I can’t stop thinking, I can’t control sad thoughts from coming. I try, I do relaxation/ meditation type stuff, but all I want is to wake up the next day already. When I go to bed, I’m excited to wake up, not to go to sleep. A lot of it will be in my head, I’m sure. But I also share a room with my mum at home, I can’t just sit on my phone in bed, or listen to an audio book to go to sleep, which I would if on my own. It’s not that I’m not tired, it’s that I’m scared. But I’m working on it, I’m aware of it.

I would definitely say the mourning process has begun. I think I’m preparing myself for the inevitability of losing Tom, but I know I’ll never be ready. But I’m also hopeful that it wont ever be a real goodbye, and he will stay with me. I’m already planning on getting a tattoo for him. He approves but, of course, he says he doesn’t expect me to do that, and I’m only to do it if I really want to. But I do want to, I really want to, so that is the plan.

Evie